The Burdens of Beards and Balance
by roads-go-ever-on
Summary: It is said in old legend that a dwarf maintains its balance by the weight of its beard. Pity the ones without the ballast. (Or, watch Kili constantly trip over himself whilst the company despairs for the line of Durin.) No pairings. A collection of loosely linked one-shots requested by readers. Will contain all genres, ranging from humorous fluff to hurt/comfort.
1. Not for Lack of Trying

**Author's Note:**

**So there is a story behind this. On deviant art, there is a drawing of Kili sort of balancing awkwardly between a gap. (link is on my author page) One of the comments mentioned reading some legends on dwarves that offhandedly brought up the use of beards. Supposedly, they acted like counterweights (much like a cat's tail) for when the dwarves were climbing mountains. Kili has no beard. If A=B and B=C, then Kili should have virtually no balance. Sorry, but I'm not sorry.**

**Worry not, all of you readers for FtSoS, this won't be taking away from any heir Deerin shenanigans! ;D**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters or the artwork. **

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"Look, all you need to do is jump. It's not that wide! You land perfectly balanced right about here!"

"Says the dwarf with over a foot of beard!"

"Tha's not the point, now is it? Are you just too _scared _of a tiny leap o' faith?"

"_No_, I just don't fancy falling to my untimely death!"

A chorus of exasperated voices arose.

"For the love of Mahal, Kili!"

"Just take the jump, lad! If you feel yourself fallin', _fall forwards!"_

Kili glared at the group from across the gaping fissure. They had trekked along the mountain trail pleasantly enough and with few complications, but now they had come across a large portion of the path that had fallen away, leaving a deep, jagged crevice. Most of the company had already taken the flying leap to reach the other side, and now only Fili and Kili remained on the opposite ledge. No amount of persuasion was convincing Kili to join the others.

Kili's narrowed gaze snapped back to his brother as Fili clapped a hand on his shoulder. The blonde was suppressing a grin from behind his beard at the defiance blazing in his younger brother's eyes.

"I'll show you, Kee. There's really nothing to it."

Kili crossed his arms, gesturing theatrically to the gap. "Off you go, then. Don't mind me."

Fili nudged his brother good-naturedly as he passed, stopping only when his toes were jutting over the edge of the gap. Glancing over his shoulder to ensure Kili was watching, he set a foot slightly behind the other.

"The trick is to get the right amount of force. Just make sure you've got a solid stance and then-"

With an almighty shove off of his back foot, Fili propelled himself nimbly over the gap, landing with only the smallest of stumbles on the other side. He turned with a smile to Kili, trying and failing to hold back a deep laugh at the look of betrayal on the younger's face. Stepping closer to the edge, he held out his arms with a grin. "Don't worry. I'll catch you!"

Kili pointed an accusatory finger across the gap, not budging an inch from his spot rooted to the ground. "Right, that'll help if I fall _forwards!"_

"_Durin's sake, Kili!"_

A heavy bout of squabbling began between the tremendously impatient company and an aggravated, isolated Kili.

Bilbo stood besides Dwalin and Thorin further along the trail, looking on with confusion clouding his eyes. Turning to look up at Dwalin, he motioned to the bickering company before them.

"Is this… ah, _common? _I thought dwarves were meant to have perfect confidence and balance on mountains."

Dwalin glanced down at the hobbit, a smirk settling over his features as he crossed his arms and leaned back against the face of the mountain. "T'is common for _Kili. _We dwarves are natural balancers when it comes to climbin'. But, you'd need to be a naturally _built_ dwarf to hold that claim."

Bilbo blinked at Dwalin, the confusion in his eyes deepening. "Naturally built? But he's the same stature as the rest of you!"

Thorin answered before Dwalin could respond. The exiled prince was watching the debate with expressionless eyes, though a ghost of a grin was hidden well behind his beard. "What Dwalin is saying is that you must have the attributes necessary for balance. In a dwarf's case, balance requires a beard. If one happens to be barely stubbled, like Kili, then-"

His explanation was cut off by a sudden shout from one of the squabbling company.

"JUST JUMP, YOU HALF-WIT!"

With an exasperated huff, Kili marched back along the trail before spinning to face the gap, standing a good ten feet away from the edge. Pushing off with tremendous force, he sprinted towards the edge, spewing dwarvish expletives all the while.

Six feet away, he narrowed his eyes, concentrating solely on his footfalls.

Four feet away, he stopped yelling in favor of inhaling deeply.

One foot away, he stumbled.

With a shout of alarm, Kili dropped like a stone over the edge of the fissure, hands and feet scrabbling at the edges futilely.

Fili lunged forwards as Thorin bounded up beside him, explosive cries of dismay echoing behind them. Fili fumbled for a grip on his brother's hands desperately, rocks scraping at his arms as he fought for purchase. He grasped Kili's fingers tightly, levering himself up with a grunt as his knees protested the sudden weight. Kili in turn scrambled for a foothold on the opposite ledge.

Not seconds after falling over the edge, Kili was now draped haphazardly across the gap, toes clinging to one edge and hands being grasped tensely by his kin on the other. A thick moment of silence passed as no one dared to move.

Kili's chagrined voice drifted over the lip of the fissure.

"Well, I _fell forwards! _Are you all _satisfied?"_

Several of the company barked with relieved laughter as Thorin moved forward to assist Fili in hauling Kili slowly over the edge and onto solid ground. The young archer sat back with a _thud, _exhaling deeply as his heart rate slowed to a more normal cadence. Fili cuffed him lightly over the head with a grin.

"Told you I'd catch you, didn't I?"

Kili narrowed his gaze, eyes a-glimmer with mischief. Quick as a flash, he swept his foot out across the path, knocking Fili's legs out from under him. The blonde landed with an "_oof!" _beside him, sprawling inelegantly in the dirt. Kili blinked down at him innocently as his brother stared up from his awkward slump.

"Oh, dear. Lost your balance?"

Fili gazed incredulously at Kili for a moment before his face broke into a wide smile and a light bark of laughter escaped his lips. He stood, hauling his brother to his feet beside him and began to aggressively dust himself off. Thorin shook his head as he brushed past the two, eyes set firmly on the path ahead.

"We're off again. Kili, do try to keep your feet. There's no knowing where they'll end up next."

Kili exchanged a glance with Fili before a wide smirk settled over his features.

"I think I know exactly where _uncle's _feet will end up in a moment."

Fili shook his head minutely, a warning shining clear in his eyes. The dark haired dwarf shrugged lightly at his brother's silent plea before strolling along after the company, drawing slowly closer to Thorin as he wove ahead.

Bilbo fell into step besides Fili at the back, his brow furrowed from the new knowledge he had gained through the encounter. He glanced up at Fili, folding his hands behind his head comfortably as he walked alongside the prince.

"So… a dwarf's beard acts as its ballast, then?"

Fili spared a grin down at the hobbit. "Aye. In Kili's case, lack thereof means he has some… _issues _when it comes to balance. We started noticing when he was a mere dwarrow. First off, you think it's the clumsiness that inevitably comes along with childhood, when your feet seemed too large for your body and you spend more time stumbling than walking. But with Kee-" Fili shrugged good humouredly. "-he never really could keep a beard grown. Claims its better short for shooting. 'Kissing the arrow' and whatnot."

Bilbo quirked an eyebrow as he turned his gaze back onto the company before him, noting that Kili had made his way to stroll just behind Thorin. "Seems a shame to give up your stability for something so trivial as archery." Fili chuckled lightly at the hobbit's perplexed remark. "Don't let him hear you say that."

The blonde narrowed his eyes as he turned his attentions back onto the company as well. Spotting Kili glancing over his shoulder with a smirk, the elder shook his head with a sigh. "Though, they do say something else about the meaning behind lack of beard."

Bilbo shot a curious look up at Fili. "Oh? And what would that be?"

Fili motioned towards Kili just as the archer swept a foot out swiftly, tripping Thorin up and over his heels. The future king landed heavily in the dirt with a roar of indignation.

"_KILI! So help me, it's a triple watch for you for the rest of the WEEK!"_

Bilbo blinked in shock before turning to stare back at Fili. The young prince shrugged lightly before crossing his arms behind his head, an impish smirk pulling at the corners of his mouth.

"I've found that lack of beard suggests lack of intellect."

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**I don't even know. When plot bunnies attack, you tend to just smash out whatever story they gnaw at your brain with.**

**Let me know if you want more not-so-balanced Kili stories! I might just leave this as a one-shot, but I have an idea regarding baby dwarrows bumbling about adorably in the Blue Mountains….**

**Please leave a review! Feedback is an author's addiction! **

**Thanks for reading! :)**


	2. Will the Real Thorin Please Stand?

**Author's Note:**

**I was ****_not _****expecting that kind of feedback! Thank you all so much! It makes me insanely giddy to see that there are people who actually enjoyed this! Well, you asked, and you got. Have some more not-so-stable Kili stories! For the record, this chapter ended up WAAAAAAAAY longer than I had thought it would. I just sat down to write a drabble, and bang: one hour later, I had a 3,000 word chapter. **

**Let it be known: I have no clue how the conversion for dwarf age to human age works, but from scrounging the web, the most reliable source I could find stated that around age 30, Fili and Kili would be about 7 and 8 in human years. Just roll with me on this one and call them 7 and 8! (If you know for absolute fact these ages are incorrect, just nod knowingly to yourself and revel in your smug satisfaction. And have a cookie for being so wise in the ways of Tolkien!)**

**Disclaimer: I will take the cookie back away from you if you even think for one second that I own any of these characters.**

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Quiet bouts of laughter drew Bilbo's attention away from the patch he was stitching back onto his jacket and onto the group huddled around the fire.

The few dwarves that had remained awake after stopping to make camp for the night had gathered close to the flickering flames, blowing smoke rings lazily and watching as they dispersed into the stars above. Balin had been in a reminiscent mood, and tales of old Erebor and new life in the Blue Mountains had begun to weave their way pleasantly through the hushed chatter held in vigil over the greedy life of the fire. Bilbo had hunkered down on his bedding well away from the cluster to finish stitching a particularly bothersome thread across the elbow of his sleeve when the first round of chuckling reached his ears. Initially shirking off the urge to succumb to his rabid curiosity and appear prying, the hobbit had made a valiant effort in staying put, though his eyes betrayed him as they constantly darted back to the group.

It got significantly more difficult to ignore the gathering as the chuckles slowly escalated into spluttering, abruptly silenced snickers.

He gave up all pretense of disinterest when a positively roaring guffaw echoed enormously across the campsite. The laugh was competing with a sharply hacking coughing fit, and as Bilbo abandoned his stitching to slowly pick his way over to the fire, he saw Fili spluttering, coughing harshly as he choked on his pipe while Gloin thumped him smartly over the back and the others shook with laughter. The hobbit raised a brow in puzzlement as he stumbled over the sleeping form of Dwalin. _How was it that such ruckus hadn't woken the entire company by now?_

Bofur and Balin were the first to notice Bilbo's presence, and the two smiled warmly to their burglar before shimmying further apart to make room for him in their small circle. The hobbit grinned back, feeling a small bit of warmth creep through his core at the pleasant greeting. There were those within the group who had made him feel welcome from the start, and they never failed to lift Bilbo's spirits.

Now that Bilbo had the full light of the fire at hand, he could clearly see the dwarves' faces. Bofur and Balin were still smiling, eyes shining as they watched the scene before them. Ori sat further around the side of the fire, his book poised on his knee and a quill grasped in his hand. His free hand was covering his mouth to muffle small snorts of laughter as he scribbled eagerly across the pages of his precious work. Fili, Gloin, and Kili sat on the other side of the flames, a felled log serving as their temporary perch. Fili's hand shot out and snatched Gloin's wrist in a vice-like grip to halt the ginger dwarf's enthusiastic attempts of assistance. The blonde finished his bout of choked coughing, and once he regained his composure, he turned to glare pointedly at Kili. Kili avoided his gaze, roving his dark eyes anywhere but his brother.

Bilbo's curiosity finally got the better of him.

"Is there point in asking what may have just happened here?"

Balin chuckled before gesturing fondly to the two young princes. "Master Kili has just finished a tale regarding Fili when he was but a wee dwarrow. I'm sure he would be more than happy to repeat it for you, if you like-"

Fili cut him off with a splutter, waving his hand erratically over the fire, and head shaking in fervent denial. "No! Ah, that is, I'm sure our burglar would not like to hear such utterly _boring_ tales of the Blue Mountains."

Bilbo grinned despite himself. It must have been quite the embarrassing tale to fluster _Fili. _The Halfling's eyes twinkled slyly, and he shrugged in feigned nonchalance.

"Oh, I don't find any of your tales the least bit boring at all. As it so is, I have not heard very much of your home in the Blue Mountains. If Kili does not mind, then I would be honored to hear his tale."

Fili glared daggers at Bilbo, the accusation of treachery clear in his cerulean stare. Bilbo met his glower with an innocent smile.

Kili sat up straighter on the log, eyes shining with mischief as he prepared his tale once more. "Well then, Master Boggins," he drawled, "it began about the time Fili had the bright idea to-"

He stopped speaking abruptly, a squawk of alarm taking the place of his words as he found himself flipping absurdly over the back of the log, landing firmly on his back with his legs protruding straight into the air. The archer cursed in a mixture of pain and confusion as the others dissolved into snickers.

Fili sat just as he had before, gaze trained intently ahead into the mid-distance. His right leg was now extended across the face of the log, occupying the space Kili had just vacated. The blonde raised his eyebrows in mock confusion and glanced down over his shoulder smugly at his brother's disgruntled face.

"Dear _me. _It would appear the fates are keeping you from relaying your tale, brother mine."

Renewed laughter echoed pleasantly around the fire as Kili hauled himself off of the ground and back into his seat, shoving Fili's leg out of the way. Though he huffed and sat with his arms crossed in apparent indignation, the others could clearly see the glimmer of amusement held in his dark eyes. He turned to Fili, eyebrow quirked comically.

"Well then, _brother dear_, do share one of your _own _tales!"

Fili placed the pad of his index finger to his chin, brow furrowing deeply as he lost himself in thought. It did not take long for his eyes to blaze alight with an idea, and he turned excitedly to Bilbo.

"You asked me the other day on the mountain pass about beards, aye? You were curious as to their purpose for balance?"

Bilbo nodded and leaned back on his hands, settling himself for the tale that was sure to be spun. He smiled knowingly as Kili's head whipped around to face Fili, the young prince's jaw gaping. Kili shook his head pleadingly as Fili turned to meet his brother's stare with a grin. The younger hung his head, his slight mumble barely audible over the crackling of the flames.

"Payback?"

Fili shrugged.

"Payback."

"The Blue Mountains?"

"Yup."

"Dwarrows all the ages of… maybe 30?"

"Right you are."

"Balance, you say?"

"Mhmm."

A moment of silence passed before Kili continued quietly.

"Thorin's shield?'

"Bingo."

Kili groaned before flopping backwards off the log, landing with a solid _thud _on the ground. All the others could see of him were his legs as he crossed them over the top of the felled tree. A sigh entered his voice as he crossed his arms to cushion his head.

"Off you go, then. Bring me those flashbacks."

Fili grinned, settling himself more comfortably in his seat. Ori poised his quill on a new page, eyes shining eagerly. Bofur rolled onto his stomach, head cupped in his hand as he prodded at the flickering inferno with a small, brittle twig. He grinned back to Balin. They had heard this tale many times again.

"It began," Fili stated, a wistful look entering his eyes as he slowly lost himself to nostalgia, "on a plain, pleasant, afternoon in the Blue Mountains. Mum was out back, visiting with a friend…"

**_~And so, on a plain, pleasant afternoon in the Blue Mountains...~_**

"Fiiiiiiiliiiiiiiiiii!"

Fili blinked groggily in the pale daylight streaming through the window. He yawned, eyes narrowed to tiny slits as he stretched his arms luxuriously above his head. Rubbing a fist into his eye, he gazed around the sitting room in mild confusion. A tiny wrinkle appeared on his forehead as he thought hard. He must have fallen asleep when Kili had toddled after D_i_s and her friend outside.

A sudden weight barreled into his side, knocking the breath out of his lungs.

"Fee! Stop being so boring and play with me!"

Deep brown eyes stared down at him, eagerness and childlike fervor shining brilliantly in the dwarrow's pleading stare. Fili blinked up at his brother as he hazily recollected himself. Kili whined at the lack of reaction he was receiving.

"C'mon, Fee! You've been sleepin' for _hours! _I wanna play Orcs and Warriors!"

Fili sighed deeply, reaching up to rub at his eyes once more.

"Fine. Just get off of my chest. You're crushing the life outta me!"

Kili inched away from his brother with a cheer as Fili sat upright. Before the young dwarrow could react, the elder pounced swiftly from his seated position, tumbling with a shrilly giggling Kili and rolling across the floor. Fili growled menacingly, his voice lowered as deep as his little throat would allow.

"Who dares challenge Thorin Oakenshield to battle?"

Kili whined piercingly from the headlock his brother had caught him in. "No fair! You're _always _uncle Thorin!"

Fili grinned as he tossled Kili's hair. "Yeah, and that's 'cause I'm the better warrior. And I'm smarter."

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

"Are _not!"_

"I have a beard!"

Kili was silent as he stared at Fili, whose arms were crossed victoriously. Sure enough, Fili had the beginnings of a golden blonde beard across his chin. It had only just thickened enough to be visible, but Fili had been standing tall and proudly informing whoever so came across his path that he was now a grown up. He had also been using it as an excuse to one-up Kili when strictly necessary.

Raising a hand to his smooth cheek, Kili narrowed his eyes at Fili with a tiny huff of annoyance. "Why is that so darned _special_?"

Fili blinked uncertainly at the sudden question. In all honest truth, he had no idea. He just knew that the older dwarves from Erebor sported magnificent beards and were treated as though better off than those dwarves who originated from the Blue Mountains. Kili now had his hands on his hips as he waited impatiently for an answer. Fili's eyes darted away.

"It's a secret."

"No, it's not! You just don't know!"

"Uh-_huh!"_

_"Nuh-uh!"_

_"Uh-huh!"_

"Boys! Do I need to send for Dwalin to supervise you?"

Both brothers froze as Dis' voice echoed in from outside. They exchanged sheepish glances before shuffling quickly past the door. Their voices chorused sweetly as they made their hasty getaway.

"Sorry, mum!"

Together, the two sprinted down the hall, giggling incessantly. Sure, they liked mister Dwalin, but he was no fun when it came to playing. He spent far too much time planning strategies than actually taking part in the game.

Fili glanced over his shoulder to Kili, a grin plastered across his face. "You can't catch Thorin Oakenshield!"

_"No fair!"_

Bounding into the first room they came across, the two took flying leaps after each other, landing expertly poised on top of a thickly cushioned bed. Fili spun to face his brother and received a mouthful of feathers as a pillow _thwacked _him smartly upside the head.

Kili grinned impishly, pillow clutched tightly in his tiny hands. Fili snatched up a pillow of his own before launching himself at his brother, bellowing a mock roar. The two disappeared in a flurry of swinging pillows and feathers as the battle began, childish giggles overtaking words as they resumed their game.

A pillow flew from Kili's hand as he wobbled unsteadily, landing balanced on a dresser top. Bounding away to retrieve it, he glanced around, seemingly taking in which room they had stumbled into. He froze.

"Fee…"

Fili roved his eyes around the room as well, taking in the immaculately organized desk, the maps and thick shelves on the wall, the weapons pegged high out of reach from prying hands. His gaze landed on the massive chunk of oak settled atop the very dresser Kili's pillow had landed on. Fili inhaled sharply.

"Oops."

Kili inched his way closer to the door. "We shouldn't be here, Fili. Uncle Thorin'll be mad…"

Fili rolled off of the bed in a flurry of feathers, pulling at the covers in a futile effort of making them appear smooth. He turned to the dresser, staring up its looming face. "We need to get the pillow though. He'll notice!"

Kili joined Fili in gazing nervously up the drawers. His gaze turned to the walls around them, and slowly, an idea took hold.

Before Fili could question what he was doing, Kili bounded back onto the bed, wobbling unsteadily. He inched his way to the wall and, with a tiny huff, heaved himself up onto one of the narrow shelves. Fili squawked, rushing over to stand beneath his teetering brother.

"What are you _doing?"_

Kili planted his hands firmly on the wall as he shuffled one foot in front of the other, careful of keeping a safe distance from the edge. "I'm gettin' the pillow back."

Fili followed his brother's footsteps from below, nervously holding his arms out as he inched along the wall. He turned to glance at the doorway. "Kee, don't! You'll fall and get hurt! We could just have mum get it-"

"She'd be mad we were here in the first place! I got it, it-WOAH!"

Fili's head snapped back in time to see his brother miss the next step on the shelf and teeter on the edge, short arms pinwheeling as he fought for balance. With a cry of dismay, he began to topple over the edge.

Fili dove forward, arms held high above his head at ready to catch his brother. The solid weight never entered his arms.

Instead, two tiny, bootclad feet landed painfully on his outstretched hands. Fili winced and stared up at his brother in utter disbelief.

Kili had taken another lunging step away from the shelf when he had felt himself falling, and had somehow managed to land his feet atop Fili's outstretched hands. The young dwarrow wobbled dangerously from his unstable perch above Fili's head, a terrified whimper escaping his throat.

"Fee, getmedownNOW!"

Fili's arms had already begun to shake with Kili's awkward weight. The blonde was faintly surprised they hadn't given out entirely yet. He bent an elbow experimentally, but at Kili's frightened bleat of protest, he locked his arm back straight. Suddenly, Kili lifted his foot, leaning his weight towards the dresser.

"Kili! Stop moving!"

"I'm not meaning to! I'm just sort of falling and Fili helpit'sreallyhighupandI'mfallingandHELP!"

Quick as a flash, Fili shot his hand out to catch his brother's foot again, steadying Kili's swaying form over his head. Dimly, an idea crawled into his mind as he glanced between the shelf and the pillow atop the dresser.

"Kili, try taking another step like you just did towards the chest."

Kili whimpered pitifully. "Why? Just get me down!"

Fili shifted his balance as his arms began to shake even more violently than before. "That's _how _I can get you down! Trust me! Just go towards the dresser!"

Before Kili could reply, his foot lost its purchase once more, and he cried out as he began to fall back towards the chest of drawers. Fili stepped forward, transferring his weight swiftly as he caught his brother's foot in his hand. The momentum caused Kili to wobble dangerously, and his other foot left the safety of Fili's hand. He began another descent towards Thorin's dresser, but Fili was already poised to support his feet as he walked further into the room.

Suddenly, Kili was stumbling across the room alongside the ceiling, swiftly "walking" across Fili's palms.

Kili had stopped whimpering, and now, a short, gleeful laugh escaped his lips as he once again lost his balance in time for Fili to catch his foot. "Fee, I'm tall!"

Fili grunted in exertion as he took another step. "Focus on the dresser!"

With one last wobble, Kili fell back onto the dresser with a _thump._ A second of silence passed as Fili flopped back onto the floor, arms aching and legs throbbing as he inhaled deeply. Kili's heart slowly stopped thudding so painfully, and he edged closer to the lip of the dresser. Peeking over the edge, he caught Fili's eye. Another moment passed before matching grins broke out on their faces.

"That was _so cool!"_

Fili laughed at the shrill excitement held in his brother's voice. "Says the dwarf who was begging to be put down!"

Kili blatantly ignored the remark and joined in his brother's laughter. Turning back to the dresser top with a smile, he crawled slowly towards the pillow. Gripping it tightly, he threw it over the edge and down to Fili. He blinked down to his brother past Thorin's shield.

"Can I come down now?"

Fili stretched out his arms with a laugh. "C'mon then! No sense staying up there and waiting for uncle to catch us himself, is there?"

Kili tottered to the edge, slinging his legs over the side. As he slid forward, he reached back for the oaken shield to lever himself down.

Unfortunately, it was not quite as heavy as he had initially thought.

With a shout, Kili dropped off of the edge of the dresser, pulling the oak chunk along with him. He landed heavily in Fili's arms, causing both children to collapse to the ground, limbs sprawled about and the massive shield covering Kili's head. With a groan, Fili sat up, supporting his younger brother in his lap. Running a critical, concerned eye over him, Fili lifted the shield off of his head. "You okay?"

Kili's only response was a gap-toothed grin too wide for his little face.

A cough from the door interrupted the moment.

Two tiny heads whipped around to face the figure looming in the doorway just as Thorin stepped inside his room, eyes taking in the busted pillows, thousands of feathers scattered about the floor, and his oaken shield in the grip of his young sister-sons. A dark brow was raised at the expressions of sheer terror etched across his nephews' faces. He crossed his arms sternly, and the brothers gulped.

A lopsided, fond grin shone through Thorin's beard.

"So who was Thorin Oakenshield this time, then?"

**_~Back in the campsite...~_**

"… and so Thorin ended up making me pick up every single feather in that room just because I was playing his role. Did I mention it was a lot of pillows?"

Warm chuckles met Fili's miffed commentary as he drew to the end of his tale. Kili's feet bobbed from behind the log as he hummed a response. "Well, you should've used the authority of your magnificent beard to fend him off if you didn't want to. And for the record, I _still _have heart attacks whenever I see that dresser."

Bilbo shook his head in wonder. He turned to Bofur as the brothers lost themselves to their memories. "How have those two survived this long?" Bofur adjusted his hat to look up at Bilbo with a shrug and a smile. "Well, they've got each other to watch their backs. Though to tell the truth, lad-"

_SMACK._

Fili yelped in indignation.

"Ow! Gloin, I haven't coughed for over a half an hour now!"

"I know. That was for bein' a fool and lettin' your brother use ya as a walkway."

Kili waved a hand lazily above the log.

"I would've fallen flat on my face if he hadn't!"

Gloin snorted. "Aye, and a shame that'd be, would it not?"

Silence.

"Was that an insult?"

Bofur turned back to Bilbo with an amused glimmer in his eye. "Regardin' your inquiry, master Baggins? I ask myself that question daily."

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**Ohohoho. This author would like to apologize for any OOCness that may have transpired, as she has never written child characters before. This is only my second fanfic. ^^;**

**Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading, and remember to ****please leave a review! ****I'm basing chapters on feedback, so if you would like to see more, feel free to drop a note! :)**

**And now I need to step away from this and get back to writing ****For the Sake of Stew.**** Feel free to check it out on my profile while this story goes on the back-burner for a bit!**


	3. Tell a Tall Tale of Envy

**Check back soon, as I will definitely be revising this later this week. I just didn't want you all to think this plot bunny died out or something.**

**Make sure to leave a review! I take suggestions! If you want to see something, tell me and I'll write you a chapter. Anything and everything is appreciated! **

**Thanks for reading!**

**Standard disclaimer is standard. See these names down there? Nope. Not mine. **

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"Say, Mister Bilbo…"

A long suffering sigh fluttered past the hobbit in question's lips as Ori's tentative, inquisitive voice rose above the steady clopping of heavy footfalls. He had only just managed to silence the incessant questions that had been hurled enthusiastically at him regarding the tale he had spun around the fire the night before, when the cheering warmth of the blaze and the promise of a rapt audience had made him feel positively lightheaded with childlike giddiness and a touch of wistful longing for a home long lost to the woods and hills behind him. He was now fiercely regretting having been swept into the nostalgia and taking on the role as the teller of tales for the remainder of the evening.

With a swift glance over his shoulder to Ori, Bilbo arranged his face into an expression of feigned patience and neutrality. He had most certainly had more than enough practice using such a face in front of his infuriating relatives.

"As I have told the others countless times already," he said with no small amount of thinly veiled irritance, "yes. Everything in that tale was true, I assure you. It's been passed down through my family for generations. Made quite the sport from a goblin's head. And a lovely sport it's been made, all thanks to my dear great-"

Ori shook his head fervently, clutching his precious book a little tighter to his chest as he did so. "Oh, no, Mister Bilbo, that wasn't my question at all! I'm not doubting any honesty in your story! I believe you!"

Bilbo raised a suspicious eyebrow at the interruption. A small feeling of sinking dread was settling into the pit of his stomach, though a flutter of amusement took flight beside it as well. Whenever Ori thought of some new question to grill the hobbit with on his life back in the Shire, the others were not usually far behind with inquiring after every detail possible in his long winded explanation. Many of the details they inquired after usually had no manner of significance or relevance to the initial question by the third or fourth prying query. (The strangest inquiries tended to originate from the youngest brothers, whose glimmering eyes had already taken a turn for shifty mischief.)Bilbo had taken to fabricating answers along the way, spinning tales of how hobbit babies were delivered by mail and how the Brandybuck river was actually charmed by ancient hobbits to flow pure brandy instead of water. Needless to say, the dwarves were intrigued.

With a glance around at the others, Bilbo's annoyingly mixed feeling of dread and amusement settled further into his core. Just about every eye was turned on him, rabidly awaiting the moment when they could join in on bombarding the hobbit until he was suitably flustered and unable to come up with any more absurdities. Bilbo had the feeling that was all the dwarves really hoped to gain from their avalanche of pointless inquiry. A slight feeling of annoyance washed over him as he realized that both Gandalf and Thorin had gone further ahead. _That removes any chance of being rescued from the onslaught_, he thought with a huff.

Bilbo grumbled ever so slightly, running a newly calloused hand over his grimy face. With a resigned mutter of finality, he gestured for Ori to continue.

"What is it, then?"

Ori blinked pleasantly as a small, curious furrow wrinkled his forehead. "Well, these last few days, you've been asking quite a lot about dwarvish beards and mountains and balance…"

No attention was turned from Ori and Bilbo, even as Kili let out a snort and purposefully strode past the small huddle with his head held high, seemingly ignoring the rest of Ori's inquiry. Fili kept pace with him all the while, flashing an encouraging smile to Ori as he trotted past in the wake of his brother.

"And so I've gotten to wondering," the wool clad dwarf stated with a small grin, "just what is it that keeps a hobbit so balanced over the mountains and trees that are so unlike your meadows in the Shire?"

A beat of silence followed. Bilbo knew it would be too foolish to wish for it to last any longer than that.

"He's right!" Gloin shouldered his way past Oin, who _harrumphed _indignantly as he was jostled unceremoniously out of the way. "Y've only had the slightest bit o' trouble with all this here climbing! Y've kept up with all the poise of a mountain bred dwarf for the most part!"

Balin chipped in pleasantly. "If anything, I'd say you have the best kept stability of the lot of us."

Hums of agreement buzzed about the group as Bilbo sank into thought. Really, Ori's question had not been anything like he had expected. In all honest truth, he did not have a valid answer for the young dwarf. He had wondered himself just how he had managed to keep up with the dwarves as they were so accustomed to their mountains, but never once had he reached a valid conclusion. Not that he would let the others know. The slightest of smirks settled over his lips. There could be some fun to this. Sure, it was no query as to the origin of hobbit toddlers or the cultural significance of a good set of brass buttons, but he could work with such a simple question. He lifted a hand to his head, scratching lightly as he put on what he hoped was a convincing pondering façade.

"That is a fairly insightful question, Ori."

A splutter from further ahead drew the attention momentarily to Kili, who was flailing about comically to keep from face planting. Fili stood beside his brother with one arm held out to prevent the fall that was sure to follow, though his attention was fully on the group approaching, as they had not entirely left the range of hearing the rest of Ori's query. With a heavy gripe in Khuzdul (with several choice words that made Ori blush and Dwalin bark out Kili's name in reprimand), Kili lost the battle with gravity and toppled dramatically head over heels, straight past Fili's outstretched arm and onto the hard packed ground below. Fili blinked down at his brother momentarily in shock before smiling sheepishly, lowering his arm pointlessly and mumbling something about keeping his focus. A short Westron phrase wove its way into Kili's Khuzdul curses.

"You had one job, Fee! _One job_!"

Fili pointedly ignored the remark and looked back up to the others as they approached.

At the group's questioning look, Fili shrugged and pointed sharply to the ground by Kili's cursing form. A miniscule pebble sat burrowed in the dirt, scuffed over from what must have been Kili's boot.

"I would have been surprised if he had missed it, really."

Kili grumbled another curse, earning a cuff over the head from Dwalin as he strode past. Ignoring the reprimand entirely, Kili looked up at the group that was now upon him. Fili heaved him to his feet as he crossed his arms and huffed, the very picture of childlike irritation. He inclined his head in Ori's direction as he addressed Bilbo.

"Insightful? How was that any more insightful than any of the other questions we've asked?"

Bilbo bit his lip to keep from laughing at the look of pure offense on the young prince's face as he responded. "Now, now. Be honest with yourself, Kili. It's the first sensible question I've received for days from you lot."

Kili gaped at the hobbit as the others chuckled lightly. "That's not true! I was nothing _but _sensible when we all talked yesterday!"

"You asked me the origins of _pashmina, _Kili."

"And? That was sensible!"

"We were discussing music at the time."

"How is that not related?"

Silence. Then, in an entirely flat tone,

"What."

Ori waved his hand about to recapture the attention as Kili's face turned an interesting shade of pink at the laughter of his fellow companions. "You stray from the topic though, Mister Baggins! How _do _you keep your balance?"

Bilbo resumed his feigned look of intellect, allowing a glimmer to enter his eye that told of ancient knowledge. He had possessed such a gift from a young age, earning him a reputation as "the boy with the old soul" when he was a much smaller hobbit. There was reason behind him being one of the greatest story tellers in all of Hobbitton.

"There's really not much to it," he started plainly. "At first, I believed it to be my feet. Sizable though they are, they have quite the grip on them."

Fili interrupted curiously. "But they're no larger than any of our boots! Surely that can't be the trick?"

Bilbo nodded knowingly, causing Fili to smirk slightly at his brother in the smug victory that only made sense between siblings. A barely audible mutter arose from behind Bilbo as he turned away from the brothers and back to the group.

"That was anything but sensible."

"Stop trying, Kili."

"…No."

Bilbo cleared his throat loudly before continuing. "As master Fili has had the kindness to point out, there is not much difference between my feet and your boots. So I scrutinized the details and finally stumbled upon my answer. As the hair on your chins provides your weight from the middle, the hair on my feet provides the weight from below. We hobbits grow our beards on our feet, you see."

Stunned silence met this remark, and Bilbo blinked at the range of reaction on the dwarves faces. He had most certainly not been expecting this response. As the silence stretched past the mark of comfort and entered into the awkward stage, Bilbo crossed his arms, raising a brow at the gaping dwarves as he did so.

"What's so striking about that?"

Bofur was the first to answer.

"Well, we've been stumblin' around out here thinkin' there really isn't much in common between our type and yours. Turns out we might've assumed wrong! Looks like Ori was the first to uncover it!"

Bilbo narrowed his eyes suspiciously as Bombur elbowed Bofur sharply in the ribs. "And just what have you been assuming from my… "type", then? And uncover _what? _Is that what all of these questions have been about?"

A grin fluttered across Bofur's face as he nodded in confirmation. "Oh, aye! Lookin' for some small similarity between us? It's proven mighty amusing these last long days. We've been tryin' to figure you out from the get go!" This time, Bombur smacked Bofur upside the head, knocking his hat clean off. Bilbo looked on incredulously. Curiosity drove him further as a feeling of irrepressible amusement slowly broiled in his stomach. Surely they could not have taken his tall tales to be truth…

"So what _have _you figured out?"

The silence that followed was too long for comfort. After ten counts, Bilbo pinched the bridge of his nose.

"What is it you think hobbits do then? Just from my answers?"

Fili inclined his head thoughtfully. "Well, we know you have a knack for gardening…"

Bilbo nodded slightly in affirmation. _So far, so true, _he thought wryly.

Gloin pitched in his own two cents. "An' you said you enjoy a good spot o' brandy from that river of yours every so often."

Bilbo winced. _Ah, not so true._

Before Bilbo could open his mouth to correct his blunder, Ori propped open his book, balancing it across his arm as he flipped through the pages. His eyes scanned the immaculate lines scrawled out across the leaflets as he began to quote the various tidbits of information Bilbo had been feeding them. The hobbit's urge to laugh rose dangerously with each utterance.

"You sometimes sleep for weeks on end in hibernation for winter, the game of golf originated from your very own family, the typical greeting consists of turning your back and simply ignoring the other until they leave you be, you are known to take to fits of amnesia and often forget to say goodbye when leaving the company of another, your distant relatives are of fairy blood, pan roasted mouse is a delicacy among small folk, your young are mailed directly to your hobbit hole from 'Mother Earth' after they've been grown from seedlings in the ground, your feet change color so as to match your environment when you are threatened, music is your preferred choice of communication, pashmina is your source of currency, and your beard and balance is centered on your feet."

Bilbo blinked in dumbfounded shock. Had he really created such absurd notions? When had he said mouse was a delicacy? And _again_ with the _pashmina? _He cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Yes, well, that might not all be entirely true…"

Nori tugged lightly at his beard in contemplation. "If your beard is on your feet, then where are your beads?"

Bilbo stifled a chuckle. "We, ah, don't use beads, you see. They get horribly in the way. Fall out too easily as well."

Ori piped up from besides Nori. "Well, you just need to braid them in properly then! You can't have your beard without your beads! Here!"

And before he could protest, Bilbo had a swarm of dwarves at his feet, avidly braiding whatever spare beads they could find into his hair.

Thorin chose this moment to rejoin the company, trailing solemnly after Gandalf as the wizard strode back to observe the group of dwarves. The leader raised a dark brow at the sight of the warriors crowded eagerly around Bilbo, examining his feet with rapt interest. He spared a glance to Dwalin, who stood well away from the shenanigans. Thorin gestured silently towards the cluster with a curious glimmer in his eye, drawing an amused shrug from Dwalin. Just as he was about to join the company and question just what the ruckus was about, Kili stumbled away from the group with a huff, marching towards him with an irritated glimmer in his eye. Thorin held out an arm, effectively bringing Kili to a stumbling stop, causing the young archer to sway slightly. His sister-son looked up at him sheepishly, though the peeved glimmer in his eye failed to disperse. Tilting his head slightly, Thorin motioned towards the group.

"And what have I missed?"

Kili turned to stare back at the group, who had now begun to attempt braiding an inconveniently dangling bead onto Bilbo's foot, much to the hobbit's chagrin. He turned back to Thorin, a deadpan expression on his face.

"Hobbits eat mice and have beards on their feet that keep them balanced."

Thorin blinked, stunned momentarily into a loss for words.

"Ah."

Deeming this suitable dismissal, Kili shrugged away from Thorin and stalked off, kicking out at a rock as he did so. The following yelp and solid thud alerted Thorin of his inevitable descent to the dirt. He turned to Kili with a knowing glint in his eye as his nephew grumbled, pushing himself up from the ground. Striding past Kili as he barked for the others to follow, Thorin offered a hand, which Kili reluctantly took. His face turned red as Thorin addressed him matter-of-factly.

"Jealousy is not quite fit for a Durin."

Bilbo strode alongside Gandalf at the back of the now mobile company, relieved to be away from the absolute ridiculousness of his situation. He sighed deeply as the beads braided intricately into the hair on his feet pinched at his skin. He kicked out lightly, watching as the braid held fast and the beads glimmered, clicking lightly against each other. He grumbled slightly. Dwarvish braids did not come undone so easily. Gandalf looked down at him in amusement as the old wizard lit his pipe, a twinkle of humor dancing in his eye. In a deep, rumbling voice laced with obvious mirth, he questioned his small companion.

"Fairy blood and bearded feet, you say?"

Bilbo spared a glance up at the tall wizard before a wry smile lit across his face.

"Don't let the truth get in the way of a good story."

* * *

**…what. I'm sorry, guys, I don't even know. I have a massive case of writer's block for the moment, and I tried to work it out before going back to ****FtSoS**** with this. It ended up being more about Bilbo than Kili. I think I mentioned balance all of three times. Gah.**

**BUT! I have an excuse! Lovely reviewer ****Dreamers0rule0the0earth**** suggested a jealous!Kili because Bilbo is so light on his feet and perfectly balanced without a beard. Or blame the absolutely amazing weather that's popped up out of nowhere here and caused all thoughts of writing to vanish from my little spring-crazed brain. **

**I would very much so appreciate any kind of review/feedback! I'm taking requests for the situations Kili will end up in later on. Also, I will award a cookie to whoever can guess the name of the song that inspired a line or two in this. You seriously deserve one if you can guess. (Hint: you see that last line, there?)**


	4. A Short Note

'lo, everyone!

To those who are following this story, I apologize for the non-update here.

I'm in a bit of a dilemma in terms of whether or not I will be continuing this story. I haven't quite gathered together very many prompts for it, and most of my writing resources are currently going towards FtSoS (which if you are also reading, I am almost done with the entirety of! Just two more chapters and then I'll have the whole thing ready for posting!)

This note is to see if there are any readers who have prompts for this story. If not, I do not think I will be continuing it. Let me know in the reviews if you would like to see more, and if so, _what _you would like to see!

Cheers!

~R


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